Well, here I am again...

Hm. It's been a while. And a LOT has happened. There are so many memories and emotions surfacing from the last four months. Just thinking about it makes me start to cry. Well, instead of posting this to facebook, g-chat or twitter (my new outlet), I guess I'll revert to this.

Every story has an ending
Even when it can't be told
Every broken heart starts bending
When it finds shelter from the cold

I've heard a window always opens
When the doors have all been closed
Though I know its true
I need more light to see me through

And, Lord, I need you to
Stay with me 
Just until my heart recovers
Stay with me
It's a lonely thing to suffer
Tell me how the heartache I feel now
Will go away someday

Maybe we just might find the answers
That will carry me
Like an awkward dancer on a crowded floor
I'll learn to dance once more someday
If you'll just stay

No one every can be certain 
What another day will bring
So dim the lights and raise the curtain
The cast is waiting in the wings

Love goes on and on forever
Though deep down inside I know
I'll have him back again
I'll be lonely until then

Oh, Lord, I need you to
Stay with me
Just until my heart recovers

It's a lonely thing to suffer

Tell me how the heartache I feel now 

Will go away someday

Maybe we just might find the answers

That will carry me 

Like an awkward dancer on a crowded floor

I'll learn to dance once more someday

If you'll just stay

You Are My Lucky Star

Now look at what you've just done to me
Now it's too late to pretend
I tried to play smart 
But right from the start
I hoped this was how it would end

I told myself it was ridiculous
A silly adolescent or more
I argued the cost 
I argued and lost
And now of one thing I am sure

You are my lucky star 
I saw you from a far
Two lovely eyes at me, they were gleaming, beaming, 
I was star struck

Your are my lucky charms 
I'm lucky in your arms 
You've opened heavens portal 
Here on earth for this poor mortal

And now that I've confessed 
I'll tell you all the rest
Your my Fairbanks, 
My Moreno, 
Rod La Rocque 
And Valentino 
You are my lucky star.

I will try to fix you.

So, just hours after loosing the leather jacket I bought at a market in London, I turn on my ipod and Coldplay's Fix You comes on.  How fitting for a day like this. 

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
(I have good intentions, but I can never seem to follow through)
When you get what you want, but not what you need
(I want to eat chocolate, sleep whenever I want and watch movies.  I need to be healthy and productive)
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
(Yep.  yep yep)
Stuck in reverse
(perpetually slipping backwards after every step in the right direction)

And the tears come streaming down your face
(Well, I'm not crying yet.  I refuse to believe its really gone)
When you lose something you can't replace
(That jacket really is irreplaceable.  Even if I somehow got back to Portabello Road and found the same guy with the same jacket, it wouldn't be the same). 
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
(That's basically all the time.  But, then again, isn't that true love?  Loving without any guarantee of reciprocation?)
Could it be worse?
(It can always get worse)

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(Yeah, I could go for a hug right about now.  And someone who cared enough to try to put me back together and make me feel whole)

;gh;awihg;weigh;weogiha;weoigha;wegiha;skdgjh;w

So they want him?  They want someone without any experience over me?  But, seriously, how did I not see this coming.  He's perfect.  Of course they want him over me.  They don't care how much time and effort I've already put into the organization.  I kind of do want to bail, but I know I can't.  I just hope they don't choose me out of pity.  That would be worse than being second in command.

Ugh.  I was worried enough about him being on the council, now I have to work with him as a president/vice president duo?  I. HATE. THIS.  Can't I just be rid of him?  Why do we have to be forced together.  I am so sick of him.

I wonder if anyone else knew about this.  Anyone in particular.

And so it comes down to this.  I'm just not good enough.  Once again.  He's applying for this, he's published that.  What have I done?  Nothing.  He likely won't even be there for NSO.

Oh the things people say

Quotes from creative writing class today:

"I'm a practicing lover."

"Maybe you can't have midgets be the store clerks."

"She's heard it before and she's a woman, so back off."

Eve

"In life all must choose at times. Sometimes, two possibilities are good; neither is evil. Usually, however, one is of greater import than the other. When in doubt, each must choose that which concerns the good of others—the greater law—rather than that which chiefly benefits ourselves—the lesser law. The greater must be chosen whether it be law or thing. That was the choice made in Eden.”

-John A. Widtsoe

Ugh.

Boys. are. stupid.

Let me rephrase that: the boys in my life are stupid.  Stupid, I tell you, stupid!  Not only as potential lovers, but as friends and decent, responsible human beings.  It is not worth my time to hang around them.  I need to start making new friends and getting new circles.  These pathetic excuses for man-ness just aren't doing it for me.