the race called MEN.

I am losing faith in the race of men.  After looking back at what I've been though and hearing of others experiences, its just disheartening.  And these are the ones I thought I could believe in!  When will they step up and be men?  When will they be accountable for their actions?  When will I find someone worth having?  Are they really all beneath me?  (I guess that it better than to say am I really beneath all of them).  Goodness, maybe I do need to get out of here.  Maybe I need to get to grad school and find someone worth having there.  I shouldn't think that I'm above them, but this undergrad, still immature mentality is just plain getting old.  I need to find an older man.  Maybe the increase of years will add to an increase in maturity, accountability and fidelity.  I just don't get it.  I thought they'd have grown up after their missions.  I guess I was wrong.

...Seriously?

My life is so ironic.  Its like a movie.  I'm the hero before she makes it to the happy ending.  Or maybe that's just life.  But, come on, haven't I been through enough sad-song montages?  That's just it.  Life isn't like a movie and I shouldn't expect an immediate happy ending.  That's what life is teaching me.  You can't expect it.  It has to surprise you.  BAH.

Wanted

I just want to be wanted.

-----

Hunter Hayes

You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you
Like everything that's green, girl I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you're wanted too

'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted

Anyone can tell you you're pretty
(Yeah)
You get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the makeup
And I wanna show you what I see tonight

When I wrap you up
When I kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
Never let you forget it
'Cause baby I wanna make you feel wanted

As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
Never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Yeah, baby I wanna make you feel -
Wanted
'Cause you'll always be wanted

-----


Reasons why I'm not wanted:
- keep to myself
- I"m melancholy, moody, depressed
- I'm not as spiritually strong as I need to be
- I'm not in the best shape
- complexion 
- I think too much



Reasons why I should be wanted:
- I'm ambitious
- I care about people (family friends)
- Cambridge, HSAC, ORCA
- I'm fun, aren't I?  
- I'm sincere, I feel things deeply
- I'm loyal
- I'm trying
- I just don't like myself right now.

Self Portrait

Stephanie Smith

All of these dreams in my head keep spinning round
I'm grabby my paper and pencil to pin 'em down
I'll sketch my world as a prettier place draw myself with a smiley face
And make this picture perfect
But all of these lines on my page won't mean anything
Until i learn to erase the ones that I don't need
I'm covering up the stupid mistakes and starting over and over again
To make this picture perfect

I'll start with where I'm standing now
And begin shaping where I wanna be
No one can tear my picture down
Because it's me and as long as I'm still proud of this self portrait I'm creating I'm doing fine
Yeah, I'm doing fine, yeah

Every now and again someone comes along
They try to box me into a corner I've drawn
Pushing the walls down, I'm struggling free
Makes me strong so I can keep making this picture perfect (yeah, yeah)

I'll start with where I'm standing now
And begin shaping where I wanna be
No one can tear my picture down
Because it's me and as long as I'm still proud of this self portrait I'm creating I'm doing fine
Yeah, I'm doing fine, yeah

What I'm sketching doesn't have to be anything facy, no
I'm just shaping stronger sides of me, of me, of me, yeah yeah yeah

I'll start with where I'm standing now
and begin shaping where I wanna be
No one can tear my picture down
because it's me and as long as I'm still proud of this self portrait I'm creating I'm doing fine
yeah, I'm doing fine, yeah
I'm doing fine, yeah
I am doing fine
I'm doing fine

The Age of Worry

The Age Of Worry
John Mayer

Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart an army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong

Don't be scared to walk alone
Don't be scared to like it
There's no time that you must be home
So sleep where darkness falls

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And say, "Worry, why should I care?"

Know your fight is not with them
Yours is with your time here
Dream your dreams but don't pretend
Make friends with what you are

Give your heart then change your mind
You're allowed to do it
'Cause God knows it's been done to you
And somehow you got through it

Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And say, "Worry, why should I care?"

Rage in the age of worry
Act your age in the age of worry
And say, "Worry, get out of here!"

And the World Turned

This is beautiful.  and painful.  

Girl stood on the rocks with the water at her feet

the sun on her skin and a tear on her cheek

With her hand on her chest and the wind in her hair

Underneath her breath like a beggar's prayer she said

I miss you, come back to me

I wish you'd come back to me

But nobody heard

And the world turned and the world turned and the world turned

And thats when the girl reached in her pocket

pulled out a silver heart-shaped locket

Opened it up and stared for a while at her faded boy

with a lazy smile, oh how

I miss you, come back to me

I wish you'd come back to me

But nobody heard

And the world turned and the world turned and the world turned

And she walked to the deepest part of the river

And she thought about diving in

She imagined how the current would overtake her

How easy it would be to disappear

But instead she tossed the locket

In the cool, blue, water

That night in her bed, she let herself weep

She let herself cry herself to sleep

And there in a dream somewhere in the night

Saw the boy and the locket by the riverside, saying

I miss you, come back to me

I wish you'd come back to me

But nobody heard

And the world turned and the world turned and the world turned

the continuous question.

Why is it so hard to be happy?

Sometimes.

Sometimes I listen to your songs and the pain in the pit of my stomach returns.  Sometimes I read your old e-mails and cry.  Sometimes I'd like to think I've forgotten you and moved on.  Sometimes I actually trick myself into believing that.  

But the truth turns around and slaps me hard, waking me up to my reality.  I still miss you.  I still love you.  I still want you.  

I still hurt over you.   

And you don't care. You've moved on.  You have a new girl.  You've had her from the beginning.  You. don't. care.  

Do you think of me?  What do you think when you think of me?  Are you happy?  Are you sad?  Do you feel any pain or remorse?  Do you ever wonder how I'm doing?  Do you want to talk to me?  Do you even know how much I'm hurting?  Do you even care?  You don't.  If you did, you wouldn't be acting so.  

Norah Jones
Carnival Town

Round 'n' round
Carousel
Has got you under it's spell
Moving so fast, but
Going nowhere

Up 'n' downFerris wheel
Tell me how does it feel
To be so high 
Looking down here

Is it lonely?
Lonely
Lonely

Did the clown
Make you smile 
He was only your fool for a whileNow he's gone back home
And left you wandering there

Is it lonely?
Lonely
Lonely

Love Your Tree!

-<* L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. *>-

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.!
You've got more than money and sense, my friend, 
You've got heart and you go in your own way

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.!
What you don't have now will come back again, 
You've got heart and you go in your own way.

On my last night on earth,
I wanna look to the sky,
Just breathe in the air,
And blink in the light.

On my last night on earth,
I'll pay a high price,
To have no regrets, and be done with my life.

Last Night

Last night I dreamed you held me in your arms.  I don't know who you are.  You had light brown hair and were shorter than I thought you were.  You held me tight until I felt better.  Will you do so now?

Darkness.

Grooveshark Schtuff

So, this what how I feel right now.  I'm just sick of being alone.  No, I take that back.  I don't mind being alone, sometimes.  I'm just sick of having to scrounge up people to do stuff with.  I just want a built in best friend/lover.



What You Know, Two Door Cinema Club


I can tell just what you wan.
You don't want to be alone
You don't want to be alone
I can say its what you know
But you've known it the whole time
You've known it the whole time


A Team, Ed Sheeran

Its too cold outside for angels to fly. 


Darden Road, Beta Radio


If you're scared to be alone
Then come love me and live in my home
Have all the stars left your eyes
Have they gone back into the skies
I don't wanna clean my room
Cause I might clean my memories of you
And if you want we will build our home
In Princeton Place, off of Darden Road

Merry Happy - Kate Nash

So, I really shouldn't listen to this song.  It just makes me upset.  But, I couldn't help it.  (Yeah, I know, I'm pretty transparent).

Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did
'Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos
Eating cheese on toast
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn't want to stick around

So I learnt from you

I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone, yeah
I can watch a sunset on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset on my own

Chatting on the phone
Can't take back those hours
But I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Home - Phillip Phillips

This song kills me (in just about the best way possible).

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home.

Falling for Fall

Yay for the season of jackets and scarves and sweaters!


....Hey Jamie, where's yuh sweata?

"I'll make you laugh."

Oh, so many good stories.  It was hard to choose just one!

Paris, je T'aime

I get done watching a beautiful movie (yes, about Europe, I confess) and walk out of the SWKT (Paris)  and I'm back on mundane BYU campus with 3 test staring me in the face.  Ugh.  Go away school, so I can live LIFE!  I've forgotten what it feels like to be ALIVE!

Get Out of My Dreams!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I need to hire a bouncer for my subconscious.

When We Meet Again - Nicole Renolds

when we meet again
my bones will ache 
my muscles shake
my blood will rush
my face will flush

when we meet again
your eyes will drop
my heart will stop 
the time will show
your hair has grown
we are alone, now

oh, i want you some
but oh,
the things you've done
oh, you love me some
but oh
you son of a gun

when we meet again
the past will flash
it's all rehashed
our ship has sailed
train derailed
engine failed us

my skin can sense
the evidence
of our tenseness
our pheromones
all alone
could make us moan
but we won't let them
oh, i want you some
but oh,
the things you've done
oh, you love me some
but oh
you son of a gun

when we meet again
we'll pick a fight
you know i bite hard
do your friends know
you're not in rome
we'll smash our phones
and disappear
in two directions
alone 

when we meet again
my bones will ache 
my muscles shake

when we meet again
the past will flash
it's all rehashed

when we meet again
we'll pick a fight
you know i bite hard
do your friends know
you're not in rome
we'll smash our phones
and disappear
in two directions

alone.

♪♫•*¨*•.Intro

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.
- Victor Hugo