Well, here I am again...

Hm. It's been a while. And a LOT has happened. There are so many memories and emotions surfacing from the last four months. Just thinking about it makes me start to cry. Well, instead of posting this to facebook, g-chat or twitter (my new outlet), I guess I'll revert to this.

Every story has an ending
Even when it can't be told
Every broken heart starts bending
When it finds shelter from the cold

I've heard a window always opens
When the doors have all been closed
Though I know its true
I need more light to see me through

And, Lord, I need you to
Stay with me 
Just until my heart recovers
Stay with me
It's a lonely thing to suffer
Tell me how the heartache I feel now
Will go away someday

Maybe we just might find the answers
That will carry me
Like an awkward dancer on a crowded floor
I'll learn to dance once more someday
If you'll just stay

No one every can be certain 
What another day will bring
So dim the lights and raise the curtain
The cast is waiting in the wings

Love goes on and on forever
Though deep down inside I know
I'll have him back again
I'll be lonely until then

Oh, Lord, I need you to
Stay with me
Just until my heart recovers

It's a lonely thing to suffer

Tell me how the heartache I feel now 

Will go away someday

Maybe we just might find the answers

That will carry me 

Like an awkward dancer on a crowded floor

I'll learn to dance once more someday

If you'll just stay

You Are My Lucky Star

Now look at what you've just done to me
Now it's too late to pretend
I tried to play smart 
But right from the start
I hoped this was how it would end

I told myself it was ridiculous
A silly adolescent or more
I argued the cost 
I argued and lost
And now of one thing I am sure

You are my lucky star 
I saw you from a far
Two lovely eyes at me, they were gleaming, beaming, 
I was star struck

Your are my lucky charms 
I'm lucky in your arms 
You've opened heavens portal 
Here on earth for this poor mortal

And now that I've confessed 
I'll tell you all the rest
Your my Fairbanks, 
My Moreno, 
Rod La Rocque 
And Valentino 
You are my lucky star.

I will try to fix you.

So, just hours after loosing the leather jacket I bought at a market in London, I turn on my ipod and Coldplay's Fix You comes on.  How fitting for a day like this. 

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
(I have good intentions, but I can never seem to follow through)
When you get what you want, but not what you need
(I want to eat chocolate, sleep whenever I want and watch movies.  I need to be healthy and productive)
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
(Yep.  yep yep)
Stuck in reverse
(perpetually slipping backwards after every step in the right direction)

And the tears come streaming down your face
(Well, I'm not crying yet.  I refuse to believe its really gone)
When you lose something you can't replace
(That jacket really is irreplaceable.  Even if I somehow got back to Portabello Road and found the same guy with the same jacket, it wouldn't be the same). 
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
(That's basically all the time.  But, then again, isn't that true love?  Loving without any guarantee of reciprocation?)
Could it be worse?
(It can always get worse)

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
(Yeah, I could go for a hug right about now.  And someone who cared enough to try to put me back together and make me feel whole)

;gh;awihg;weigh;weogiha;weoigha;wegiha;skdgjh;w

So they want him?  They want someone without any experience over me?  But, seriously, how did I not see this coming.  He's perfect.  Of course they want him over me.  They don't care how much time and effort I've already put into the organization.  I kind of do want to bail, but I know I can't.  I just hope they don't choose me out of pity.  That would be worse than being second in command.

Ugh.  I was worried enough about him being on the council, now I have to work with him as a president/vice president duo?  I. HATE. THIS.  Can't I just be rid of him?  Why do we have to be forced together.  I am so sick of him.

I wonder if anyone else knew about this.  Anyone in particular.

And so it comes down to this.  I'm just not good enough.  Once again.  He's applying for this, he's published that.  What have I done?  Nothing.  He likely won't even be there for NSO.

Oh the things people say

Quotes from creative writing class today:

"I'm a practicing lover."

"Maybe you can't have midgets be the store clerks."

"She's heard it before and she's a woman, so back off."

Eve

"In life all must choose at times. Sometimes, two possibilities are good; neither is evil. Usually, however, one is of greater import than the other. When in doubt, each must choose that which concerns the good of others—the greater law—rather than that which chiefly benefits ourselves—the lesser law. The greater must be chosen whether it be law or thing. That was the choice made in Eden.”

-John A. Widtsoe

Ugh.

Boys. are. stupid.

Let me rephrase that: the boys in my life are stupid.  Stupid, I tell you, stupid!  Not only as potential lovers, but as friends and decent, responsible human beings.  It is not worth my time to hang around them.  I need to start making new friends and getting new circles.  These pathetic excuses for man-ness just aren't doing it for me. 

How to Be Alone...?

My soul is tired.  my hope is faltering.  my contentment is beyond reach. 

          and the loneliness seeps in like floods waters into a well protected basement.


Things that I used to find comfort in don't do it anymore:

"If you're happy in you're head, then solitude is blessed and alone is o.k."

          But, I'm not happy in my head.  Alone is not o.k.  I'm sick of solitude.  That's all I know.  I just want to be loved.  Is that too much to ask?

"If you're heart is bleeding, make the best of it.  There is heat in freezing, be a testament."

          But, I'm tired of freezing.  I'm sick of being a testament.  I don't want to make the best of it. This is ridiculous and pathetic and I hate that I feel this way this week of all weeks.  I'm fine.  I'm fine.  I'm fine.

I'm fine?

Consider the Lilies

Consider the lilies of the field,
How they grow, how they grow.
Consider the birds in the sky,
How they fly, how they fly.

He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky.
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sheep of His fold,
How they follow where He leads.
Though the path may wind across the mountains,
He knows the meadows where they feed.

He clothes the lilies of the field.
He feeds the birds in the sky,
And He will feed those who trust Him,
And guide them with His eye.

Consider the sweet, tender children
Who must suffer on this earth.
The pains of all of them He carried
From the day of His birth.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

He clothes the lilies of the field,
He feeds the lambs in His fold,
And He will heal those who trust Him,
And make their hearts as gold.

Gotta Have You

"Gotta Have You"
The Weepies

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no,
nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the meadow this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm 'til I'm lying in your arms

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no
Nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...hmmmmmmm

No amount of chocolate, no amount of crying
No amount of frisbee, no pine
No, no, no, no, no
Nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, no, no, no, no
Nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

I've gotta have you, gotta have you
I've gotta have you

A Street in England

Sometimes when I'm really homesick for England, I pull this up.  Somehow just seeing the street, the lamps, the cars makes me feel better.  The tidal whir of the tires on wet pavement comforts me. 

http://www.abbeyroad.com/crossing

Dreams

Dreams...what do they mean?  Do they have any meaning?  Are the people and events significant or just the outcome of the contents of my memory shaken up and dumped out into my the REM cycles of my sleep.  Do they have any weight, bearing or significance?  Am I supposed to DO anything with them?  Are any of them messages from God or just...dreams.  I don't get it and I don't know.  I feel like I should do something, I want to do something, and I guess I will do something.  If its a positive thing with good intentions, there really is no harm in that...right?

..............................................

Carry on
Well I woke up to the sound of silence
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the fourth of July

You swore and said
We are not
We are not shining stars
This I know
I never said we are

Though I've never been through hell like that
I've closed enough windows
To know you can never look back

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends
At the edge of the night
At a bar off 75
And we talked and talked
About how our parents will die
All our neighbours and wives

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I've been cheated on
And it's nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don't roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Woah
My head is on fire
But my legs are fine
Cause after all they are mine
Lay your clothes down on the floor
Close the door
Hold the phone
Show me how
No one's ever gonna stop us now

Cause we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we're miles away
So we'll come
We will find our way home

If you're lost and alone
Or you're sinking like a stone
Carry on
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground
Carry on

Carry on, carry on

Blast.

It's only the fourth week of school and already I wish the library were open later than midnight.  Seriously?  This is the third day this week I've been here until closing and its only Wednesday.  I could blame it on my applications, but I still haven't worked on them.  I feel sick.  Too many reeses pieces.

I've Just Seen a Face

The Beatles

I've just seen a face,
I can't forget the time or place
That we'd just met, he's just the guy for me
And I want all the world to see we've met
Dum da dum da da da 

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
But I had never been aware
And as it is I dream of him tonight
Dai dai dai da da dai

Falling! yes I am falling
And he keeps calling me back again

I have never known
The likes of this, I've been alone
And I have missed things and kept out of sight
But other guys were never quite like this
Na na na na na na

Falling! yes I am falling
And he keeps calling me back again

I've just seen a face
I can't forget the time or place
And we'd just met, he's just the guy for me
And I want all the world to see we've met
Na na na na na na

A Man Said to the Universe

By Stephen Crane

A man said to the universe:
“Sir, I exist!"
“However,” replied the universe,
“The fact has not created in me
“A sense of obligation.”

BAM!

Rule the World

"Rule The World"
Take That

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away
Don't fade away

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world!

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you,

Yeah you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me girl, we can rule the world
Yeah you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you
For you
[repeat]

love is knowing someone

I am thoroughly convinced that there is no one you can't love if you get to know them.

I am convinced that there is no one we can't love if we get to know them.

I am thoroughly convinced that the more we know someone, the more we love them.

There is no one we can't love if we truly know them.

Love is knowing someone's yesterday, today and tomorrow and loving them for the person they were, are and will be.

--

I don't know how to word it, but that's what I'm thinking.

I will possess your heart

DCFC
(Yeah, I know a little stalker-ish, but some of it resonates...)

How I wish you could see the potential,
the potential of you and me.
It's like a book elegantly bound but,
in a language that you can't read.
Just yet.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.

There are days when outside your window
I see my reflection as I slowly pass,
and I long for t his mirrored perspective
when we'll be lovers, lovers at last.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

You reject my... advances... and desperate pleas...
I won't let you... let me down... so easily.
So easily.

You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
You gotta spend some time, Love.
You gotta spend some time with me.
And I know that you'll find, love
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.
I will possess your heart.

Ok, well, that is a little creepy.  But, yeah...